when life itself is a trigger
A few weeks ago, my husband, C, told us all about his wild and crazy idea: he wants to go on spontaneous vacations — meaning, let’s just up and go somewhere, anywhere, in a couple of days. Let’s see where the world takes us! So much fun! My brain: News flash! We have four kids, and three of them need help packing. So the first thing I think of is all the work. Cancelling appointments and the kids’ regular activities would be the next step. Grocery day has to be altered, and I just went grocery shopping for the week — spoiled veggies! If you haven’t guessed, these are the racing thoughts in my head just seconds after his “bright idea”. This is often his way of communicating — shocking me with new information I wasn’t expecting. So, what do you think I did? I’m still not used to it, even after 19 years.
“Oh honey, what a great idea, and what a great experience for the kids!” Nope. Not even close.
My immediate reaction was, “are you kidding me? Do you live in a fantasy land?” And then I proceeded to tell him everything wrong with his idea until the room became thick with regret and resentment. Everyone left silently one by one and I was left alone with the guilt of my reaction, once again. This is what anxiety does. A trigger is an event or just some random thing that happens, but for whatever reason, it triggers you emotionally and sometimes even physically — and most of the time, the emotional response goes way overboard. The response almost never matches the initial event. This happens to people that have experienced ongoing turmoil or trauma throughout their lives or even just in their childhood. It’s something that can be healed, but it takes a lot of work. I am currently working on it with a therapist, but these moments occur almost daily, and I’m left with self-loathing after it happens. Later, I almost always realize that it wasn’t so bad, but in the moment it felt like an all-out attack on my person.
Triggers can be so innocent. For instance, when Middle Son is mumbling under his breath to Youngest Daughter and she screams his name at the top of her lungs, I have a visceral reaction inside my body. The sound feels like it sears right through me all the way down to the bone, and it instantly causes irritability toward anyone in the near future. Sometimes the kids will simply be playing and they will do happy screams, but the sound of it can drive me crazy on the inside.
People chewing with their mouths open.
My husband touching my butt as he passes behind me.
A messy bedroom.
Toys and clothes left out on the trampoline.
A moody comment from a moody teenager.
All of these are examples that happen every day, and I am working so hard to understand that just because they cause an involuntary emotional response doesn’t mean that I have to react. I am learning to use my thinking brain in these instances instead of my reptilian brain (you know, the part of the brain that reacts to an immediate danger). Life is not always an immediate danger, but it sure as hell can feel like that for people who live in a constant state of depression and/or anxiety.
Lately, my mantra has been: Live better today than you did yesterday.
I’m working on it. My family has been supportive while I’m working on it, but people can only be so supportive for so long…and kids aren’t required to be supportive of my issues. That’s not their job. Their job is to be kids. To learn new things, experience life and be happy. I remind myself each day that it’s my job to take care of my own needs so that I can help them take care of theirs. Growing up, I didn’t have a lot of time to figure out what I enjoyed because there was always some type of drama going on in our household. My brain was always in fight or flight, so that doesn’t leave room for trying new things, concentrating and learning or figuring out who you are. So, in my 40s, that is exactly what I am trying to do. Writing was at the top of the list, even though it is very hard for me to get focused enough to get the right words to go with what I’m feeling. Reading books has also helped immensely. I once believed reading one book at a time was all I can handle, but now I juggle 5-6 books at a time because it’s sort of fun to leap from one subject to the next, depending on my mood. You may have hobbies or interests that take your mind to a better place (or not). For a long time, I didn’t know what I liked. I just kept trying things to see what worked, and then I also thought about the things that I just did naturally my whole life that I never considered “hobbies” — like reading, writing and movement. Below are some examples of things I do to help regulate my moods, especially after I’m triggered. Maybe you can make a list of your own and go to it when you need something to help you get into a different zone. Think of those things that you are naturally inclined toward, or think of things you enjoyed doing as a child. If you can’t think of anything (and trust me, I’ve been there), try searching online for things like “interesting hobbies for introverts” or “hobbies for people who are bored”. It seems silly, but you may find something there that clicks! Don’t be afraid of the embarrassing Google search. The following things have helped take my brain to a more creative or peaceful state when I’m feeling anxious, depressed or numb (how I’m feeling will dictate which activity I gravitate toward):
Writing
Reading. I read regular paper, Kindle or audio books, depending on my mood. I read everything from self-help to romance to historical fiction to true crime to memoirs of all kinds and everything in between. C, my husband, has actually inspired me to step out of my reading comfort zone, and it’s been really eye-opening.
Drawing. I’m not very good at this, but I do it because it’s relaxing. I like to draw with Middle Son, it’s something we do together that’s just for us.
Exercise / Working out / Lifting weights. The kids get in on this too — my 15-year-old is more buff than me or his Dad!
Walks in nature. It helps to live on wooded land, but you could go to a park or just notice nature in your own neighborhood.
Hot salt bath. I swear by magnesium for a low mood, but check with your doctor first.
Cold plunging or cold showers. This is especially helpful for depression/low motivation, but check with a doctor first.
Listening to music / Dancing with the kids. This always helps to improve my mood. Music can be so healing. I love that my kids love music as well.
Baking something for, or even better, with the kids. Who doesn’t love the perfect chocolate chip cookie? Allowing the kids to be messy and experiment has also been good for my OCD.
Cooking something new for dinner or lunch. For me, it gets those brain cells to bounce around. Cooking takes a lot of mental energy for me, especially a new recipe. I’m learning to like it.
Most of these things do not feel “fun” to me yet. I have gone a lot of years feeling very numb, so most things do not bring me a huge amount of joy. But, I do them because I know if I keep at it, the joy will eventually come. I have to hope that it will. I have tried doing nothing instead of something, and that leads me to a more black place than trying to do things that don’t bring any joy. I hope that makes sense. Fake it till you make it.
Our triggers are always going to be there. They were always there before. The only thing that can be done now is to learn how to deal with them as they happen. I work with a therapist and am working with her through a book called Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma by Janina Fisher, PhD, and it’s already helped quite a bit. I definitely give it a thumbs up. I still have a long way to go, but like anyone dealing with mental illness, getting started is the first huge step. If you can do that, you’re already doing great. Your kids and your family will benefit, and ultimately, so will you.
Until next time, peace & love.